Ms. Rigby says i should start writing here again, and who am i to disagree?

hmm...

Later. I'll start again later...yeah.

The Polyphonic Spree make me uncomfortable.

I've never been one for drastic sense-memory flashbacks or whatever they might be called, but i'm listening to Guster for the first time in...god knows how long, and it feels....weird. Like a prolongued flashback (unfortunately not a good one) to the summer. So many bitter-sweet memories. So much to regret.
I miss the begining. I dont think i've ever been that happy....

Ick, it's times like this when you gotta wonder if they're right when they say these were the best years of our lives. If so, I have a bleak, bleak journy ahead of me. *shudder*

I"m getting excited for this new album.

"when the smoke came out our mouths
on all those hooded sweatshirt walks
you were a stroke of luck
we were a goldmine and they gutted us"

Well i finally made a move last night and i'm proud. After jon's latest batch of threats i just packed up some stuff and left. Went to my dad's. If he wants to kick me out i'm one step ahead of him. Fuck him. It was empowering, even though in the end it was meaningless.

"I had to leave the house of conformity, in order to make art. Learn to be more or less true, just to tell the two apart."

Idk why i like that, but i really do.

It disgusts me how much i eat when i'm home a lot. Idk why i always have to be eating something. I need to start excersizing. Seriously. I feel like crap, and i shouldnt be sore for a week after snowboarding for a few hours.

I'm free on friday. Freeeedom. If you wanna do something let me know, expecially after school, since i wont be able to go over to steve's house for a while at least.

"Everything i do is judged. They mostly get it wrong, but oh well. The bathroom mirror has not budged, and the woman who lives there can tell, the truth from the stuff that they say. She looks me in the eye, says "Would you prefer the easy way? No? Well, ok then, dont cry."

Well the results were negative, so the charges are dropped. The grounding ends next friday supposedly, which i guess isnt bad. If any of you ever see me doing anything slightly stupid that will get me in this situation again kick me on the spot. In the head. Or stomach. Wearing golf slpikes if possible. I'm not wasting the rest of my year like this.

any of you who might be considering getting tickets for drug possession, i highly advise against it. It's not nearly as glamerous or exciting as you might think.

I want this to all be over. After this i'm never leaving the house again. That outta keep me out of trouble.

Well it's done. The first round is at least. Basically we have to go be evaluated to see if we're junkies or not, and then go back to court in a week or so. Awesome. Not being a junkie, i know i dont have anything to worry about, but it just all so draining and i wish it could be over. I had to fight off the urge to laugh in the courtroom, which is odd for me since i'm not a nervous laugher. Oh yeah, and i think part of me was expecting i to be a lot more law and order-esque than it actually turned out to be, and i'm a little dissapointed. I topped the whole thing off by starting a fight with my mom and john (who kept calling himself my parent, which pisses me off to no end) in the car on the way home. So basically i'm probably pretty screwed. I'll find out soon.

Oh i found this awesome site where some woman has scanned all of the tori amso sheet music books and put them up for download. So wonderfully illegal, but it's ok, since i'm leaving the law-breaking up to others, at least for a while.

I disgust myself with how much I eat when i'm home all day. I forced myself to run on the treadmill until i couldnt take it anymore (given this was only like 15 mins because i'm so out of shape, but i assure you it was terrible).

I miss not having to be here.  

I have to admit, i'm a little nervous about tomorow. Not really the court aspect, but that all of our parents will be in the same room, and knowing that they're all glaring at the other two, wondering which one was the bastard that corrupted their baby. Being the kid with the long hair and beard, i assume i'll be the likely suspect, so i shaved. I feel weird about it, but i guess it had to be done.

Fuck the Sysytem!

Ahem...

Oh yeah, mikey came in to work the other day. It was so crazy to see him. Idk if you knew him, he was the big kid with the brown shirt who payed gameboy all the time and had a wicked sense of humor. Yea, i missed him a lot. Come to find out, he's going to Purchase, so if plans work out the way i hope they will i'll probably be seeing a lot more of him. The kicker was he was still wearing that damn brown shirt that he wore all through math and gym and creative writing and sculpture and all the other classes we had togeather the last two years. He was telling kate and I this elaborate story, and then informed us he was lying and walked out. I love it.

mmmmmmmmmipod.

yay. *sudden burst of christmas cheer*

I got my brother a poker set, you know, to encourage him to travel that waky winding road of gambling addiction.

Let me tell you, there's not much funnier than watching amber try to remail aloof while opening presents, even though she's obviously extremely excited. She'd let out a little squeal then quickly put it out of her sight and say thanks i guess. Ahh the wonders of non-conformist-conformist teenage girls.

How was your christmas?

I'm tired of being, today. Sitting waiting for sleep to tackle me is not my idea of satisfaction. Being too tired to read, for me, is like being to thirsty to drink (almost), and yet it seems to be the case. Christmas is too draining.

"Rumors insisted he soon would be
For his deviations taken into custody
By the authorities, less informed than he.
Drinkers and jokers, all soul searchers
Searching for love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love was all around

Preparations were made
For his celebration day
He said, "Eat this bread, think of it as me.
Drink this wine and dream it will be
The blood of our children all around"

I'm in an odd mood. Does it show?

Telling them went better than i would expect, i guess, which is something to be thankful for.

I've never felt like such an idiot.

oh, and i love my mother more than the world, no natter what i might say sometimes.

fuck this.

I got the whole "you're a dark cloud" speech again tonight. I'm not one to have violent tendencies, but damn. Hold me back.
They say i act like i hate it here, and yet somehow cannot equate that to the fact that i really do. I dont need this.
I'm thinking about talking to my dad about moving in with him full time again. I'm so exhausted from everything in life right now, this is the last think i need to deal with. As i said, fuck this.

Am i always a dark cloud?